What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Struggles to Support Her Gay Teenage Daughter
DEAR ABBY: In 2000, I won full custody of my two children, a boy, 12, and a girl, "Dallas," who is now 14.
I have done everything I could to raise them both with good morals and provide them with a good education.
A few weeks ago, Dallas confided in me that she's attracted to girls, and has a long-distance relationship with a girl in a different state. It came as a shock, but I have tried to understand so that she doesn't feel bad about it. I'm hoping this is just a phase she's going through and that it will pass -- but if it doesn't, I'll do my best to deal with it.
My problem is that Dallas insists on letting everyone know about her orientation. She even wears jewelry with the rainbow colors. I keep trying to make her understand that this is HER business, and it's not something she should make public, but she responds by asking me if I'm ashamed of her. (I always reply, "Of course not.")
Am I wrong by telling her that? What's the correct way to deal with this? -- CONFUSED PARENT, ARLINGTON, VA.
DEAR CONFUSED: It is a compliment to you that your daughter trusts you enough to be open with you about her sexual orientation. Many gay teens -- and younger children -- are so afraid they'll disappoint their parents by disclosing they are "different" that they don't talk about it.
What your daughter needs right now is to know that you love and approve of her. You must be doing something right, because she is assured enough about who she is that she feels safe being open about it. Congratulations on that.
It is extremely important that you come to terms with your own feelings about homosexuality. It is not uncommon for the parents of a gay child to feel guilt or shame, when in truth, it has nothing to do with the quality of their parenting and everything to do with genetics.
Your wisest move at this point would be to contact PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), and join one of its many support groups. Once you do, you will find it enormously helpful. Contact it by calling (202) 467-8180, or check the Web site at www.pflag.org.
I have recently learned about another helpful resource for parents of younger children who exhibit gender-variant behavior and interests. It's the Children's National Medical Center, which offers a booklet titled "If You Are Concerned About Your Child's Gender Behaviors." It can be downloaded from www.dcchildrens.com/gendervariance in either English or Spanish. It can also be ordered by writing CNMC, 111 Michigan Ave. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20010.
In addition to the booklet, the Children's National Medical Center's outreach program provides clinical mental health services and referrals to other knowledgeable professionals, a free monthly support group for parents and children, an online discussion group for parents, and a Web page with information for both parents and professionals.
DEAR ABBY: Please alert other dog lovers about something our family learned this week after spending hundreds of dollars at an emergency veterinary clinic: Dogs can become seriously ill or die from eating grapes, raisins, onions and garlic.
Our darling puppy may have permanent kidney damage because, in our ignorance, we left a bowl of grapes on the dinner table. I hope other families will read this and keep their pets safe. Thanks for spreading the word. -- GERMAN SHEPHERD MOM, THORNTON, COLO.
DEAR SHEPHERD MOM: Consider it done ... a "woof" to the wise.
CHUMMY CO-WORKER MAKES GRANDFATHER FEEL ILL AT EASE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 69-year-old grandfather with a good sense of humor and am partly bald. I wear XXL shirts and have a 46-inch tummy, chubby cheeks and an occasional limp. I still work in an office where the love of my life, my wife of 40 years, is also employed.
My problem is the firm hired a 50ish married woman who likes men. I'll call her "Snuggles." Snuggles wants hugs, gives kisses, and demands to know all the particulars of her fellow employees' lives. I believe this to be innocent on her part, but her brazen behavior really is offensive.
Yesterday was my birthday, and she kissed me twice on the cheek. It was the fourth time in the last two weeks. And yes, I did tell her no more kisses, but I'll bet that only lasts a week or so. When I got home I washed my face and asked my wife to kiss me so that if I died in my sleep, my wife would have been the last woman with whom I shared a kiss.
Since Snuggles is a recent hire, I don't want to get her in trouble. But, golly gee, I thought I was the one to do the sexual harassing. -- HONEY BEAR IN HIGHLAND PARK, ILL.
DEAR HONEY BEAR: Whether or not what "Snuggles" is doing is called sexual harassment, her behavior is not acceptable in a business environment. Using co-workers as a source of, or outlet for, physical affection is inappropriate.
You were right to have asked Snuggles to contain her affection. However, if she persists, you should document the incidents and discuss the matter with your boss, your supervisor, or the person in charge of human resources for your company.
DEAR ABBY: Three of us were recently in Manhattan and found ourselves walking behind a blind woman who used a walking stick. We didn't know if we should offer to assist her, or if she would have felt offended. There was scaffolding ahead and the front steps of several buildings protruded onto the sidewalk, although she managed to navigate around them without problems.
What is considered good manners in a situation like this? Should you offer to help the stranger navigate? Should you leave her alone and keep walking? We didn't want to annoy the woman, and we felt helpless in a situation none of us had encountered before. -- VISITORS TO N.Y.C.
DEAR VISITORS: It is never offensive to verbally offer assistance to someone. However, a blind person using a cane usually has been trained to "detect" objects that might obstruct his or her path.
The reason I say "verbally" offer assistance is that some people make the mistake of trying to help blind people by taking their arm and trying to propel them. I have been told that if a blind person accepts an offer of help, he or she would prefer to take the arm of the helper rather than vice versa.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter's third-grade classmate started wearing makeup to school (lipstick and eye shadow). Now two others are doing it.
My daughter wants to wear it, but I feel they're entirely too young. What is your opinion? -- OLD SCHOOL AND PROUD OF IT
DEAR OLD SCHOOL: I hope you'll stick to your guns and discourage your daughter from doing it. I think those little girls' mothers should have their heads examined.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bearer of Nephew's Bad News Is Target of Grandma's Anger
DEAR ABBY: My nephew was recently arrested. It's the fourth time I know of that he's been arrested for various things -- there may have been more.
This time, bond was set at $500. He asked his parents for the money. They refused because they hoped the time he spent in jail would teach him a lesson.
Next, he called his grandparents (my parents). He told them he was in jail because his girlfriend (with whom he has two kids, 6 years old and 8 months old) had accused him of aggravated assault. They dislike her, so they believed him.
I learned the real reason for his arrest when I called the jail. It wasn't assault; it was two counts of driving without a license, and two counts of failing to appear in court. When I approached my mother about this, she got mad at ME, and now she's not speaking to me. Was I right to let her know her grandson was trying to use her again, or do I owe her an apology? -- HEARTBROKEN IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: There's a saying that in ancient times it was dangerous to give Caesar bad news, because it was his habit to kill the messenger. Your mother could not have been thrilled to hear what you had to say, so instead of aiming her anger where it belonged -- at her grandson -- she's taking it out on you. You don't owe your mother an apology; she owes you one.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years and have two children. I come from a humble background. My husband's family is very well-to-do. I try to be as nice to them as I can, but his mother, sister and brother treat us like we don't exist.
If we are invited for a family get-together, they don't speak to either of us. If they have something to communicate, they talk around us.
How should I deal with this? They act as if we are not their family. It breaks my heart to see them be mean to my children. They seem to think that money is everything.
I think my husband's mother and sister may be the problem. I can't continue to let them walk all over me. Please give me some insight. I have no one to talk to. -- ON THE OUTSIDE IN INDEPENDENCE, KAN.
DEAR ON THE OUTSIDE: It would have been helpful if you had been able to explain why your husband's family has been so cold and unwelcoming. Whatever the reason, if they have not accepted you after 18 years of marriage to your husband, it is not likely to happen now. For your own happiness, and that of your children, strictly limit or eliminate your visits with the in-laws. Once you stop seeking their approval, your life will improve.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old graduate student who is working on my Ph.D. in genetics at a large, well-respected university. My great-aunt and I are arguing over the use of "Dr." in the non-academic world.
I say that I'll be allowed to call myself "Doctor Jones" when I graduate, having gone through a great deal of effort to gain that title. She disagrees, and insists that only MDs are allowed to call themselves "Doctor." Who is right? All of my professors use "Doctor" in all situations, regardless of whether they have an M.D. or Ph.D. -- ALMOST DR. JONES
DEAR ALMOST DOCTOR: Your aunt is well-meaning but misinformed. Once having earned your doctorate, you are entitled to be introduced as "Doctor" if you wish, and to be addressed as "Doctor" in formal situations.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)