For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Continues Denials Despite Proof of His Affairs
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to your advice to "Threatened in N.Y.," who received an anonymous phone call that her husband was cheating. You advised her that it was probably a crank call. My comment is, "Where there's smoke, there's fire!" She should insist that her husband take a lie detector test to resolve any doubts she might have.
My husband travels for business. I had been concerned about him possibly cheating, and we went to counseling where he swore that he was faithful. I later learned that he'd been having an affair at the time, and had another one after her. Even after I had proof of his affairs, he continued trying to lie about the extent of his infidelities. We are now in counseling, and he's seeing a psychiatrist. -- WISER NOW IN FULLERTON, CALIF.
DEAR WISER NOW: Your husband obviously has some serious issues, and you have my sympathy. However, I stand by my answer. I have received a bushel of mail regarding that letter, and less than 2 percent of it agrees with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, received an anonymous call about my husband's "infidelity." It was in the days before caller I.D. Each time, the woman left a sleazy message on my answering machine after midnight. However, I was lucky. My husband was known by a different name than the one listed in the phone directory, which indicated that the caller was lying.
I hope "Threatened" will take your advice. The person who called her is a misery-loves-company instigator who can't stand to see a happy couple. My husband died a year later, and I thank God I didn't ruin my short time with him by believing some sick tramp who made midnight phone calls. -- BEEN THERE IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: I am a member of the clergy. My wife got one of those phone calls. At the time, I was an official in the local union and was getting ready to go to a meeting when our phone rang. My wife answered, and all I could hear was her saying, "Oh, he is? Are you sure? You don't mean that!" etc. When she hung up, she turned to me and said, "You won't believe this. You're in the back booth at the union hall making out with another woman." Imagine the "kick" we got out of that. Please warn "Threatened" not to believe everything she hears. -- REV. JIM IN INDIANA
DEAR ABBY: You were absolutely right that the call could have been made by a kid. Years ago, when most women were homemakers, I would look up names and numbers in the phone book, and when the woman would answer I'd say, "Is 'Harry' home?" When she replied that she was his wife, I'd say, "Oh! He never said he was married!" As a high school girl, I thought it was very funny. As an adult, I realize I could have caused irrevocable harm. -- SORRY NOW IN BALTIC, CONN.
DEAR SORRY: Better late than never! Your letter was one of a stack of similar confessional letters on my desk piled 3 inches thick. When I was in high school, I heard a similar story about some students who did the same thing to an English teacher they disliked.
DEAR ABBY: A similar incident happened to me years ago. I trusted my husband enough to know it couldn't be true, so I asked the caller to describe him -- was he tall, short, dark or blond, skinny or heavy? And do you know what the caller did? She immediately hung up! -- OPAL IN ROSEVILLE
KEEPING UP CHURCH APPEARANCE WEIGHS ON RELUCTANT WORSHIPPER
DEAR ABBY: This is difficult, but I have no one here I can confide in. I'm ashamed, confused and unsure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I am finding it more difficult every Sunday.
Without going into specific beliefs and asking questions that can only be answered by faith, I will simplify: Is it better to go to church for the wrong reasons than not to go at all? I don't think I am fooling "Him" -- and I know I'm not fooling myself.
The others, including my wife, are, if not wise to me, suspicious. I don't like my hypocrisy, but I'm afraid of the reactions -- and repercussions -- should I "out" myself and stay home. I'm uncomfortable masquerading every Sunday, being the loyal husband and worshipper while being untrue to myself. Help. (Or am I beyond it?) -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A CLOSET
DEAR BETWEEN: I have always believed that husbands and wives are members of the same "team" and should be able to level with each other, so I'm having trouble understanding why you are masquerading and hiding the way you feel. I also believe that people can communicate with God in their own way, wherever they are, because God is everywhere -- not just confined to church property.
Because you are left feeling empty and unfulfilled by the Sunday sermons, you may need to look elsewhere for spiritual fulfillment. However, until you find the courage to express your feelings and stand by them, you will remain forever between a rock and a closet.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to help my friend "George." His ex-wife, "Carol," left him in 2003 because his hours at work were cut and his salary decreased by $20,000. She told him she no longer loved him. Abby, George supported her when she wanted to become a teacher, studied to be a bartender and then an actress. They had been married four years when she dumped him.
In 2004, George met a single mother with a young daughter. They fell in love. Soon after, Carol re-entered his life and took a job at his company to be closer to him. It affected his relationship with the single mom. He broke off their engagement and moved out.
George is now dating Carol again. He told me a few months ago that she had filed for bankruptcy. Financially, he is doing well again. But he seems blind to the fact that Carol is seeing him only because she needs someone to support her as she struggles to become an actress. He was her third husband.
I used to be her confidant. She told me after she and George had been married only nine months that she didn't love him, and only stayed married to him because he was a warm body and a steady paycheck. She'll use him again until she finds a man who is wealthier and more interesting.
What can I do to help my friend, Abby? He has turned to alcohol and pot to numb himself. -- GEORGE'S FRIEND, NOT CAROL'S
DEAR FRIEND: I assume that between his alcohol and pot binges, your friend George is confiding in you. If you are truly his friend, you'll tell him that it's clear he is in emotional pain and suggest that he get professional help "to see him through this difficult period." Your friend is accident-prone when it comes to love, and counseling is what he really needs.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Today is a double-barreled holiday! To my African-American readers, a Happy Kwanzaa to you all. And to my Jewish readers, a very Happy Hanukkah!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Shopping Mall Santa Savors Poignant Holiday Encounters
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, at Christmas time, I helped Santa Claus by filling in for him at a small shopping mall. Instead of the usual long lines of children who are processed on and off Santa's lap like an assembly line in large shopping malls, I was able to enjoy spontaneous visits with teenagers and adults as well as tots bearing lists of toys.
A pair of teenage boys ran up, gave me a hug and a grin, and asked me to bring them motorcycles. After a brief chat, they walked away chuckling -- pleased with their visit with St. Nick.
A bright and happy 3 1/2-year-old girl sat on my lap and chattered constantly, asking questions and answering mine. Finally, she looked me in the eye and said, "I thought you were fake. You're REAL!" Her doubts removed, I'm sure she had a magical Christmas.
A young father, all alone, paid the elf photographer for one picture and said, "I don't have custody of my children, but want to show them a picture of you and me shaking hands." When he received the finished photo, he looked at it and mouthed, "Thank you," and departed.
However, my most emotional visit was with three teenage girls. The first one giggled and asked me for a sports car. The second topped her by asking for a mansion. The last girl whispered in my ear, "I'd like a job for my father." As they walked away, the last one refused to answer her friends' question, "What did YOU ask Santa for?" Her profound request was between her and Santa, who was overcome with emotion.
I truly believe that her father found a job because, you see, that night Santa prayed that he would. -- ROBERT BICKMEYER, TROY, MICH.
DEAR "ROBERT-CLAUS": Your letter touched my heart. Your prayer embodies the true spirit of Christmas, and I hope that you and your family are enjoying this special day. And to my Christian readers: A very merry Christmas to you all.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a talented artist, and my sister and I love to give her creations as gifts to family and friends. My sister and I have purchased these gifts -- albeit at a discount -- but money is exchanged and the gifts are from US.
Our problem: Often the people receiving the gifts assume that we did not pay for them. Sometimes they have even said, "Thank your mother for me." How should this be handled so the recipient knows we were the givers and not the artist who made the work -- who "happens" to be our mom? -- JESSICA IN CHARLOTTE, N.C.
DEAR JESSICA: When they say, "Thank your mother for me," tell them the gift came from you and not from her. It should not be necessary to explain further.
DEAR ABBY: I am going to a conference in a city where an old flame lives. I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years. I am considering looking him up, but now I'm questioning my motives. I'm single, and don't know what his status is. I don't expect a reconciliation, but the idea to give him a call popped into my head -- and then I got nervous. I'd love to see him. Have you any advice? -- TEMPTED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR TEMPTED: Yes. Call him! You are single, and if he is, too, it could be a new beginning for both of you. Ask him to lunch so you can both catch up on what's happened during the last decade. If it turns out that he's married, invite his wife along. Who knows? You might make a new friend who could introduce you to "Mr. Right."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)