Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Soldier's Tour of Duty Is Tearing at His Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I'm an American soldier serving in Iraq. When I went on leave for two weeks to see my family, I found out that my wife had posted a profile in a chat room on a public Web site. When I asked her about it, she denied it. When I showed her what I had found, she confessed.
I wouldn't have been upset, but she lied to me -- besides, the profile presented her as single. It included a picture and information about how she looks and what she's "looking for." This has really put a dent in our marriage. I can't trust her, particularly from over here. She claims it was a one-time thing because she was bored.
I don't want to leave her and my three daughters, but now I have no trust in her whatsoever. It's tearing me up inside. Everything she does I question, and it's wrecking our marriage. I want to trust her, but what should I do? Please help me. -- SSG HURTING IN IRAQ
DEAR SSG HURTING: Until your tour of duty is over, your most important priority must be your own safety. That means you must develop tunnel vision for a while and think of nothing but yourself and your mission. For now, accept what your wife says. Time and distance can do strange things to people's relationships, and there is nothing more stressful than what both of you are experiencing right now.
If your daughters are being well taken care of, accept that for the time being. When your tour of duty is over, there will be time to deal with this -- through marriage counseling or spiritual counseling. So listen up: Please trust me and stay strong.
DEAR ABBY: When I was a student, I was encouraged to further my education. I hold two bachelor of arts degrees plus extensive training in emergency services. To my dismay, however, having an education has been a problem, not a plus, for me in my employment.
People tell me I am "overeducated" for the job I so dearly love. It didn't bother me until I took a new job that required both my college degree and my technical training. One co-worker complained that my education "intimidated her" so much she "felt she couldn't do her job." Our supervisor said it was my fault that she was lashing out at me.
Since then I have moved away from that city. I have asked several friends about the "intimidating education factor" and was told it's also the reason I'm still single. I know that having an education is important, and I don't understand why it's having a crippling effect on my life. (I'm not pompous about my education. People have asked and I've told them.) What I don't tell them is I have a "genius" IQ, but it apparently shows when I talk. How do I cope with this? Is it me, or the society we live in? -- OVEREDUCATED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OVEREDUCATED: Although I have never met you face-to-face, I can tell you with some certainty that it isn't the society we live in. So, that leaves "you." The problem isn't that you are "overeducated." It may be something to do with your personality -- the way you present yourself and the way others perceive you. I have met "brilliant" people whom I would describe as intellectual super-athletes. Some of them are socially adept and make those around them feel comfortable, regardless of their level of education. However, some of them are not. You may fall into the latter category.
I would recommend that you now invest in a different kind of "education" -- the "University of You." In other words, find a psychologist who can help you figure out why, with so much to offer, you are not able to fit in. It will be money well spent.
Family's Abusive Behavior Passes From Father to Son
DEAR ABBY: Last week, my 1-year-old son, "Tommy," crawled up on the couch where his father, "Monte," was resting. Tommy smacked his daddy in the face with a toy. Monte slapped Tommy back so hard he left a welt on his face. I grabbed the baby and said some things I perhaps shouldn't have. Monte got so mad at me that he threw me on the couch and began choking me.
A neighbor called Monte's father, "Lyle," to the house. Lyle asked what happened. When I told him Monte had slapped Tommy in the face, Monte called me a liar. Then Lyle turned around and came after me, cornering me in the kitchen. He got in my face and screamed that I was at fault for Monte losing his temper. He said it was because of my "nagging." I was cornered three times. Each time I tried to move away, he'd start up again.
Monte just stood there and watched me holding the baby and getting screamed at. He didn't lift a finger to defend me. I am so hurt. It's one thing to have a fight with my husband, but his father had no place getting in my face. Monte said his dad was trying to prove a point -- that a person can only take so much. Monte said he patted his father on the back for what he did. I am no longer talking to his father. Please help me. I am desperate for guidance. -- SHAKING IN OHIO
DEAR SHAKING: To slap a 1-year-old baby and leave a welt on his face is child abuse. Throwing you on a couch and trying to choke you is spousal abuse. What his father did is verbal abuse. Monte is standing behind his father because he thinks this is normal behavior. Unless you take your baby and get out of there, your son will turn out just like his father and grandfather. So leave now, before you or your baby are physically, as well as emotionally, damaged.
If you are afraid to leave, call the National Domestic Violence toll-free hotline: (800) 799-7233. Counselors there will help you formulate an escape plan. (For people with hearing impairments, the TTY number to dial is (800) 787-3224.)
DEAR ABBY I have been married to "Grant" for eight years. Soon after our marriage I learned he was a compulsive liar.
Grant told me while we were dating that he had a sister. I later learned the woman was a friend. He said he was divorced from his second wife when we met. They weren't divorced until one month before our wedding, something I discovered only when I found his divorce papers.
Grant's first wife swears they are still married. He says they're divorced, but he lost the divorce papers.
A year ago, I found out my husband was never in the Marines like he said, and after eight years of believing he had a BA in business, I just learned he dropped out of college after his freshman year.
I have just about had it with his constant lying. He has also cheated on me. I want a divorce, but I don't want to look like a failure to my family and friends. Grant is begging me to stay. He promises he'll change, but I have heard that all before. What should I do? -- WIFE IN CRISIS
DEAR WIFE: Consult a lawyer. Tell him or her exactly what you have told me. Because your husband misrepresented himself before your marriage, you may have grounds for an annulment. Your attorney should also check to see if there is any record of his first divorce, because if there isn't one, you and Grant are not married, which solves your problem. Cross your fingers.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boyfriend's Big Plans Take Woman's Father by Surprise
DEAR ABBY: Just before my daughter returned to college, my wife and I took her and her boyfriend, "Justin," out to dinner. It was the first time we'd met him, although they have been going out for about six months. They attend colleges a good distance apart, and see each other about once a month but talk daily.
As the dinner conversation progressed, I asked Justin what his major was and what he plans to do after college. He said he wants to be in the film industry. I asked what he planned to do if it didn't work out. He responded, "Go into the family business." I asked what business Justin's family was in. He responded that his family didn't have a business, that he had meant our family business. Then he said, by the way, he would change how we were running it to produce more cash by slowing down our expansion plans. I was speechless. My daughter told us later that she and Justin had never discussed it before.
My wife and I are in our 40s. We don't plan on retiring soon, or letting any of our own kids take over running the business. My wife says we should drop it. I think we should make it clear to Justin that our family business should not be his backup plan. If he did marry our daughter and wanted to come to work for the family business, he might be welcome. However, he certainly would not have the control he thinks he would. What are your thoughts on this matter, Abby? -- NOT READY TO RETIRE IN N.Y.
DEAR NOT READY TO RETIRE: I'll say this for Justin, he has youth and enthusiasm going for him; he speaks his mind and his contingency plan shows he has an eye to the future. Your wife is telling you to let it drop in the hope that the romance will go nowhere. However, on the chance that it will go forward, you'd be doing the young man a favor to bring him back to planet Earth regarding your business.
P.S. If I were you, I'd think long and hard before deciding to welcome him into it.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19, and six months pregnant by a 28-year-old man. My pregnancy was a shock. At the time I became pregnant I had a job, but three months ago the business downsized and I was laid off.
My boyfriend is in jail and will be for the next two years. He has promised that we'll be together when he gets out, but I'm not sure if I believe him. He has two other kids with two other women, and he didn't stay with either of them.
My aunt has been paying my rent for me or I would be out on the street. I'm afraid, because I don't know how I can survive and support another living person. I had considered going to college, but how can I work, go to school and take care of a baby all by myself?
I don't want to have to depend on my aunt for everything. She says I should place my baby for adoption, but I'm not sure she's right. I took the responsibility of making this baby, so I believe it's my responsibility to face the consequences of raising it until the day I die. Can you help me decide what to do? I guess you could say my life is one big mess, and I don't know how to get out of it. -- SCARED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR SCARED: A baby is supposed to be a blessing, not a "consequence." You are an intelligent young woman, and you are asking the right questions. Your aunt may have the right idea. Sit down with a pencil and paper and ask yourself, "What can I give to this baby?" Then ask yourself what a couple who wants a child but is unable to have one of their own could do for it. It is possible that the most loving gift you could give your baby is a family who would love it and provide for it in a way that you cannot.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)