To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Whose Child Died Is Still a Mother in Spirit
DEAR ABBY: Today is Mother's Day and I'm feeling rather down. Eight years ago, I found out the joyous news that I was expecting. Following that, a devastating thing happened in my life. I was brutally raped. I gave birth prematurely -- at 5 1/2 months -- and my daughter passed away three hours later.
Abby, I feel that although I didn't have the joy of raising my daughter, I am a mother nonetheless. She has a name and I think of her daily. A good friend of mine disagrees. She says I'm not a mom because I have no living children to show off. She has told some of our mutual friends that I'm "not all there" upstairs.
Could you tell me how to deal with this tactfully? I would also like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all those who have lost children to miscarriage and stillbirth. -- STILL A MOM IN ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR STILL A MOM: Clip this letter and give it to your "friend," who doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. You ARE a mother -- you're the mother of an angel.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to acknowledge all mothers on this Mother's Day. It astounds me that motherhood remains one of the least respected occupations in our society. Mothers are on call 24/7, and their job encompasses more professions than any other I can think of.
My mother excelled in many roles, including plumber, porter and, at times, platoon sergeant. To get a snapshot of her career, I created the following job description that ranges from A to Z:
-- Accountant
-- Baker
-- Coach
-- Dressmaker
-- Electrician
-- Financial adviser
-- Grief counselor
-- Health-care practitioner
-- Interior decorator
-- Judge
-- Kitchen Manager
-- Lender
-- Mediator
-- Nutritionist
-- Office clerk
-- Psychic
-- Quartermaster
-- Restaurateur
-- Supervisor
-- Taxi driver
-- Underwriter
-- Victim's rights advocate
-- Weightlifter
-- X-ray vision expert (OK, but for years I THOUGHT she had it!)
-- Yard maintenance assistant
-- Zookeeper
If you print this, please do so in honor of my mother, Barbara Irgens. Thank you, Mom, for choosing to be one! -- LOVE, HEIDI
DEAR HEIDI: Motherhood from A to Z. I love it! I'm pleased to print your job description, knowing mothers and children of every age will relate to it.
Happy Mother's Day to birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, and stepmothers everywhere -- and especially to my own beautiful mother, Pauline Phillips, in Minneapolis.
MOM'S DOWNWARD SPIRAL MAKES DAUGHTER FEAR POSSIBLE CRASH
DEAR ABBY: Until I was 13, my 8-year-old brother and I lived with our mom, but she was so mean that Dad took us to live with him and "Heather." Heather is good to us. She never yells at us or tells us we're no good. And we never have to eat cereal for dinner like we did when we were with Mom, who sometimes didn't come home for days.
One night I heard Dad tell Heather he thought Mom was on drugs and doing bad things to get money. I know she was taking a lot of pills and drinking.
It was better living with Dad, but we missed Mom, so after a couple of months, Dad let us visit Mom overnight. But Mom started two lawsuits against Dad. She wanted him to pay her child support even though we weren't living with her.
She went to court, but she lost. The judge said she must be tested for drugs and see a counselor before she could have us overnight again. Mom took the tests and got into a program, but after a couple of months she stopped doing what the judge said. She calls us sometimes but won't tell us where she lives or where she works. She blames us for not visiting her. I always cry after she calls.
I also cry because I'm afraid she'll take a drug overdose and die. I don't tell Dad and Heather anymore because I tried to talk to them and they told me Mom is sick.
I want to forget my mom, but I can't. What can I do to stop crying every night? -- SAD AND SCARED DAUGHTER IN N.Y.
DEAR SAD AND SCARED: Talk to your father and Heather again. Tell them how you're feeling. From your description of your mother, she does appear to be ill and out of touch with reality. When people have heartaches like yours, the surest way to resolve them is to share them.
You cannot "save" your mom; only she can do that. And for your own sake, you must not allow her to make you feel guilty. Sometimes when a situation is out of our control, it has to be left to a higher power. Keep busy with constructive things -- sports, extracurricular activities, volunteering your time. It will give you less time to worry. However, if crying in your pillow continues, I urge you to talk to your dad about some professional counseling for yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about something I have seen happen more and more over the last several years. It's the behavior of young people at funerals.
Respect for the deceased and for those who are genuinely mourning demands that parents caution their children to restrain their natural impulses at funerals or the graveside. This means not running up and down the aisles, no loud talking or laughing, or (as on one memorable occasion), no groping of one's girlfriend or boyfriend. That kind of behavior is never forgotten by mourners and can sometimes result in permanent distaste for the misbehaving child.
Please remind your readers that funerals are highly emotional events, and people should be on their best behavior for the sake of good taste and the feelings of others. -- SADDENED AND OFFENDED IN S.F.
DEAR SADDENED: I'm printing your reminder, but don't blame the children. Blame the parents who allow the misbehavior and disrespect, and who don't care enough for the feelings of those around them to intervene.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend Is Eager to Be Wife but Not Stepmother
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to marry "Kurt" in August. He has a 3-year-old daughter, "Krystal," from his first marriage. We didn't meet until a month after his wife, "June," left him, so I'm not a home wrecker.
I moved in with Kurt several weeks after we began dating and have been cleaning his house, taking care of Krystal when she's here, doing his laundry, cooking for him -- just like a wife would do.
Abby, June doesn't want Krystal. She remarried six weeks ago and has asked us to take her. June's husband is loud, mean and abusive, so I don't think it would be safe for Krystal to stay there.
My problem is I can't stand Krystal. She's a spoiled brat. I don't want to be a full-time mother, although at some point I'd like to have a child of my own.
I haven't told Kurt how I feel because I'm afraid he'd kick me out. Now I'm wondering if I should tell him I'm leaving before he sends me on my way. I don't think we can work this out because he loves Krystal, and I don't think he'd understand why I don't want to be her stepmother. What should I do? -- UNWILLING STEPMOTHER IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR UNWILLING: Level with Kurt, the sooner the better. Unless you can accept that he and Krystal are a package deal and learn to love her, to marry him would be a mistake and a disservice to all of you. That little girl has already struck out once in the mother department. Kurt needs a wife who is ready to embrace not only him, but also the child who will always be a high priority in his life.
DEAR ABBY: Our 20-year-old daughter was suspended from a small private university. We offered her tutors, lessons or a transfer to any number of other schools around the country to help her find the right field of study. She refused. She can do the work; she was just not motivated.
She now wants to attend a large university in another state to be near her boyfriend. We suspect that they want to live together. He smokes dope and lives on welfare, and this is unacceptable to us.
She says she's finally finding her backbone and becoming independent. We told her that being independent means assuming financial responsibility for oneself, and that we will no longer provide anything beyond medical and dental coverage for her. She thinks we're cutting the purse strings on her new "college lifestyle" because we don't like her boyfriend, which is true.
Are we being unreasonable? Also, any advice on the fastest way to get that oaf out of the picture would be appreciated. -- MAD-AS-A-HORNET MOM IN VIRGINIA
DEAR MOM: Refusing to subsidize her "live-in" lifestyle is not being unreasonable. It's your money, and you can spend it -- or not -- as you see fit.
Let her know that as an adult, her choices are her own. If she chooses to get a job and work her way through school in order to be close to her boyfriend, that is her choice. It would be nice if she had a self-supporting, upwardly mobile love interest -- but since she doesn't, and she's determined to live with him, she must pay the price.
As to the fastest way to get "the oaf" out of the picture, here's what NOT to do: Do not bad-mouth him. It will only make her defensive and drive them closer together.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)