What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Emotional, Physical Comfort Result From Sleeping Nude
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in regard to the mother who discovered her 14-year-old daughter sleeping in the nude. I say bravo to that mother and father for creating a home where the girl felt safe enough to sleep that way.
When I was young, I had an older brother who harassed me. I slept with my ears alert and covers up to my nose. I have been through two divorces -- and I wouldn't have allowed myself to be caught sleeping in the nude by either of my husbands. They might come home or wake up in a rage, and I needed to be prepared for whatever might happen.
I now have a husband with whom I'm completely relaxed -- so I no longer feel the need to wear anything in bed. I keep a robe at bedside for emergencies, but I now sleep comfortably without nightclothes that wrap around my legs or cut off the circulation in my arms. -- SLEEPING WELL IN TOPEKA
DEAR SLEEPING WELL: I have always considered wearing (or not wearing) clothing in bed to be a comfort issue. It hadn't occurred to me that it might reflect a measure of emotional security. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the "Worried Mom" made me laugh, remembering when I was in high school. A group of friends and I decided to "kidnap" four other friends and take them out for breakfast before school. We surprised them in their beds, intending to take them out in public in their pajamas.
All was well until the third house. Like the girl in the letter, our friend "Angie" slept in the nude. I have never seen anyone blush harder than she did that morning. -- CHRISTA IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR CHRISTA: I guess the "surprise" was on YOU.
DEAR ABBY: I suspect that "Worried Mom" reacted so strongly because she's terrified of her daughter's awakening sexuality, and Mom equates nudity with sex, and sex is "wrong."
Now Mom has two tasks ahead of her. The first is to overcome her own hang-ups. The second is to have a frank discussion with her daughter about how to protect herself in sexual situations. Please tell her to stop worrying. Sleeping nude IS more comfortable. -- DOES IT TOO, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR D.I.T.: What was it that Marilyn Monroe used to say? At bedtime her preferred attire was Chanel No. 5.
DEAR ABBY: There are few things in life more freeing than taking a hot shower and jumping nude into bed with fresh, crisp sheets. Please tell that mother not to make something nasty of it. She should try it herself. -- BIRTHDAY SUIT SLEEPER IN CASEYVILLE
DEAR SLEEPER: One thing about a birthday suit, it's always in style. And if it loses its shape, it can be altered.
DEAR ABBY: That mother needs to worry about more important things in life than what her daughter wears to bed. If the worst thing that girl has ever done is sleep in the nude, the writer is one lucky mom.
Obviously, "Mom" hasn't started menopause yet. If she had, she, too, would be sleeping in the nude because of hot flashes. -- HOT FLASH MOM, ROCKY RIVER, OHIO
DEAR MOM: Good point.
DEAR ABBY: As a nation that prides itself on freedom and liberty, we sure have become a nation of Puritans when it comes to the human body. In most of Europe, the sight of breasts on public television is matter-of-fact, and nude or partially nude bodies sunning on the beaches of the Mediterranean are commonplace.
I would like to challenge your readers to explain why the sight of a nude body is an object of fear and shame rather than of beauty and pride. -- ANTI-PRUDE IN SCOTTSDALE
DEAR ANTI-PRUDE: That's an intelligent question.
DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter went to a party at a frat house where she was given a great deal to drink. Feeling "woozy," she went outside. One of the "boys" she had been talking to went with her and suggested she go back to his room to lie down. She had known this fellow before that night and trusted him. She was drunk, and he had sex with her. It was her first time. She claims she tried to make him stop, but he wouldn't, and she couldn't make him.
Shouldn't the young man be punished in some way? I feel something should be done, and I also worry about him doing this to some other girl. Would this constitute date rape? -- CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR CONFUSED: You're darn right it was date rape. And the "something" you should do is call the nearest rape crisis center and get help for your daughter. You should also inform the police. I'm sure they'll be interested to know that minors are being given alcohol and taken advantage of at that fraternity house, as well as the name of the man who assaulted your daughter. You're absolutely correct that he's likely to do it again.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Howie" for a year. I love him and want to spend my life with him, but there's a problem. Women are attracted to Howie like bees to honey. I have seen this with my own eyes. Women come on to him even though he tells them he's in a serious relationship. Should I look the other way when they start up? Yes, Howie does talk to them, but he is just a friendly guy.
I don't want to lose my boyfriend over this, but it's really starting to bother me. How should I handle it? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN FLORIDA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: If you and Howie didn't have something special, you wouldn't have lasted as a couple. Short of throwing a bag over your boyfriend's head, there is no way to make him less attractive. However, if your "friendly guy" leaves you to fend for yourself all evening, that's considered bad manners -- and you would be within your rights to let him know it.
DEAR ABBY: I recently went through a difficult two-year divorce from "Jayson" after 10 years of marriage. My former mother-in-law, "Violet," now insists that I return the china that Jayson and I received during the marriage. I always thought a gift was just that -- a gift.
Violet insists that the china be returned. She says it wasn't from "my" family. I say it WAS my family -- for 10 years. You see, Abby, Jayson left me. I was trying to work on our problems, but he wanted out. Now Violet is calling me a martyr and saying I have no right to the china.
I have informed Jayson and his mother-from-hell that the china is boxed and in storage, and that I'm saving it for our son. Am I wrong? -- FURIOUS IN VIRGINIA
DEAR FURIOUS: When your son and his future bride are ready to set up a household, they'll want to select their own china. Of this you can be sure. If the china has been in your husband's family for generations, return it. If that's not the case, offer to let your former mother-in-law BUY it back.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boy Who Doesn't Fit Mold Shouldn't Be Forced to Try
DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old stepson, "Bryan," is turning into a feminine little boy. He knows all about girly products and what is on sale at the mall. Bryan's mother treats him like a baby. All they do at their house is sit around and watch TV. She has no friends, and neither does Bryan. He does not get involved with anything; he is exactly like his mother.
When Bryan is at our house, we try to get him involved in activities, but the boy is lazy and doesn't want to participate. Then he tells his mother that his father yells at him. My husband does yell, but only to get Bryan off his butt to do something. The result is Bryan wants to spend very little time with us because of his mother's constant babying. At our house, he has chores and we make him help with things. At her house, she does everything for him.
How can we make Bryan less feminine and involve him with friends and activities? -- "WICKED" STEPMOM IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR STEPMOM: It is a parent's job to help a child be the best that he (or she) can be. That does not mean the father remaking the child in his own image, and that may be what the boy is resisting. Bryan is not particularly "masculine," and he's not interested in what you and your husband are trying to force him into. Your insistence on trying to make him fit your mold may be what is driving him away.
Instead of yelling at him to get him "off his butt," if you need his help with chores, say exactly that. ("Bryan, I need your help with something.") And since he isn't interested in the usual "boy things," perhaps it's time you and your husband expose the boy to art, music, dance, to see what does turn him on.
If none of the above does the trick, then some professional counseling for the three of you to establish a healthier level of communication is in order. You may be able to help Bryan be more social, but don't count on changing the core of who he is.
DEAR ABBY: My wedding is scheduled for the fall of next year. My parents are paying for the whole thing. My problem is my grandmother. She has never shown any interest in me and doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. She has been verbally abusive to my father throughout his entire life. She even told him once that he was a "mistake" and she didn't even want to have him.
I do not want this woman at my wedding, but I know my father wants her there. My dad feels that since I am her only granddaughter, she should be present. I have nothing but anger toward her because of the way she has treated my father and her indifference toward me.
Who should decide whether the mean old bag will attend? Since my parents are paying, does my father get the final say? Oh, did I mention that my mother does not want Granny there, either? How should this be handled? -- HATES GRANNY IN MARYLAND
DEAR H.G.: My advice is to be a lady and be gracious. Your father has his reasons for wanting his mother to come to the wedding. Please find it in your heart to grant his wish without giving him further heartburn. On your wedding day, you will be so busy with your wedding party and your husband, you'll hardly even know the woman is there.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)