Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Cash in Addition to Sympathy Gives Grieving Family Support
DEAR ABBY: "Mortified Daughter in Michigan" wrote that when there is a death in or outside her family, her mother always sends a card with cash in it to the grieving family. The daughter thought it was "tacky." Thank you for siding with the mother.
That girl should stop criticizing and rethink her stance. A little extra money could help with the larger phone bills that are generated when others are notified of the death. Money will be needed for stationery and postage for thank-you notes. Sometimes there are travel expenses if the deceased is buried elsewhere. Money might also be needed for hospital bills. -– SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, ESCONDIDO, CALIF.
DEAR SPEAKING: Thank you for so astutely pointing that out. "Mortified Daughter's" letter generated a flurry of mail -- all of it illuminating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The president of an organization to which I belong lost her husband suddenly. When I attended the funeral, I gave her a card in which I had enclosed some cash. This woman appeared to be fairly prosperous. (I later learned that she made all of her own clothes.)
At the meeting of our organization following the funeral, she drew me aside and told me that her Social Security check had been withheld pending settlement of the death benefits. It would be a month before she would receive a check from Social Security for her benefits. She added that the funeral expenses had absorbed all the money she had. Without the money I had given her, she would not have been able to buy food. -– JOAN IN OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR JOAN: That's shocking. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband died from a sudden heart attack, I don't know how I would have managed without the generous cash gifts I received. Our joint credit card account was canceled, and I had to redo the paperwork.
While "Mortified Daughter" may think giving money is tacky, I'm sure there are many bereaved families in my position. Believe me, we are grateful for monetary gifts to help us over the rough spots. -– WIDOW IN ROY, UTAH
DEAR WIDOW: I believe you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Most people don't realize how long it actually takes for paperwork to be handled before death benefits are paid. Some insurance companies take up to eight weeks before they pay the beneficiaries. Try telling your mortgage company the check is in the mail for eight weeks.
No matter what financial situation you think the family is in, money is the most practical and useful gift. -– D.S. IN CRYSTAL LAKE, ILL.
DEAR D.S.: Well put. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband passed away suddenly, we were living on a fixed income and I was raising a grandchild we had adopted. We were in our late 70s. Had it not been for friends who gave money, I don't know how I would have paid the bills. Their kindness will always be remembered. Flowers are beautiful, but in a few days they are gone.
When someone I know passes away, I always tuck a little money in my sympathy card. It is my gift of love to them. It's not the amount I send, but the thought that counts. –- GRATEFUL IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR GRATEFUL: You're right. Any amount will do. If it puts fuel in the car, or pays for a meal, it's one less thing for the grieving family to worry about. Thanks to all the caring people who wrote to confirm this.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Wants to Find Help to Strip Himself of Addiction
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married four years. I love her very much, and we have a good marriage.
Years ago, I became fascinated with strip bars. I even dated a couple of strippers in the past. My problem is I can't seem to stay away from these strip clubs. I go once or twice a week. I find seeing the women –- all shapes, colors and sizes –- very relaxing, almost like taking a tranquilizer.
My wife is very straitlaced. She would probably leave me if she found out. I have thought about joining a group for men with sexual addiction at our church to help me overcome this problem, but I'm afraid if I start attending weekly meetings she'll find out.
I know I need help. I can't kick this on my own. --HOOKED IN PORTLAND
DEAR HOOKED: You have already taken an important step by admitting you have a problem with sexual addiction. Since you are concerned about issues of confidentiality if you join your church group, consider contacting Sexaholics Anonymous. The organization has chapters all across the United States –- and in 16 countries –- and its program is based on the AA 12-step model. The only requirement for membership is a desire "to stop lusting and become sexually sober." There are no dues, no fees, and it is not affiliated with any sect, denomination, organization or institution. People attend the meetings and learn to be open and honest about their addiction. Confidentiality is respected, and nobody comments about another member.
For more information about Sexaholics Anonymous, write: S.A., P.O. Box 111910, Nashville, TN 37222-1910 or call: 1-615-331-6230. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.sa.org" ��www.sa.org�, and the e-mail address is: saico@sa.org.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance won't marry me on July 18 because it's his former wife's birthday. He says he doesn't want to hurt her. We would be on a Hawaiian cruise, and the 18th is the day we will be in Waimanalo Bay for the wedding. I didn't pick the date on purpose. He says no, and also says I don't "get it."
Why is he so able to hurt me? -- HURT 2 THE CORE
DEAR HURT: He's able to hurt you because you refuse to accept the message he's sending. A man who is more concerned about his ex-wife's feelings than his fiancee's is not fully committed to marrying.
If the tickets are paid for, go on the cruise yourself and take a friend. Send him a postcard on the 18th. Tell him you finally "got it" and, for better or for worse, "Aloha!"
DEAR ABBY: In response to the question from "Getting Pesky Over Pollen" about how many times it's necessary to say "God bless you" after someone sneezes, I offer the following:
My son, Brian, was in high school math class. He sneezed, and the instructor said "Gesundheit" (health). When Brian sneezed several times more, the math teacher said, "Gesundheit squared." -- PATTI FAIRCHILD BARTEE
DEAR PATTI: Chalk one up for the teacher.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MOM AND DAD IN BEVERLY HILLS: Wishing you a happy, healthy 62nd anniversary. No daughter could wish for more devoted and loving role models for a successful union. –- JEANNE
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Only Safe Way to Enjoy Fireworks Is at a Distance
DEAR ABBY: I would like to pose a question to your readers who are parents: Would you hand your child a lighted match? The idea is absurd. Yet each Independence Day, thousands of parents don't give a second thought to giving their children sparklers -- lighted sticks that can burn at a temperature up to 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit.
Last year, more than 8,000 people in the United States (most of them children) received treatment at an emergency room for injuries related to fireworks. Keep in mind this figure does not include injuries treated by private physicians or those not treated at all. I would like to remind your readers of all ages that fireworks (sparklers included) are not toys. Please leave fireworks to the professionals.
The number of people who sustain serious burns, loss of eyesight or other disfiguring trauma as a result of fireworks is evidence that there is no safe way for amateurs to use them.
July Fourth and fireworks are practically synonymous. I am not suggesting that fireworks be banned from the celebration; however, the associated risks must be recognized -- and reduced. Professional pyrotechnicians are trained to adhere to state-of-the-art codes for public fireworks displays. The only "safe" way to enjoy fireworks this July is at one of these public displays -- from a distance. -- GEORGE D. MILLER, PRESIDENT, NFPA NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
DEAR GEORGE: How right you are! While we are on the subject of injuries sustained on July Fourth and other holidays, let's not forget the injuries and deaths caused by another kind of "fireworks" -- bullets fired into the air by exuberant celebrants.
Although guns played a part in winning our independence, the deadly toll exacted by gunmen trying to enhance their celebration is unconscionable and illegal. Readers, please report this crime to the police. Too many lives have been lost as a result of gun accidents. This year, let's not add to the numbers as we celebrate our nation's hard-won freedom.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since I walked into our bedroom and found my wife, "Janice," naked with a naked man, my relations with her have been -- at the least -- strained. I have tried to be more in touch with her needs, but we have not made love for more than a year.
My wife is defensive and has brandished your column on "signs of abuse." Many of the points you make she has been guilty of herself, yet she blames me for these behaviors. I have been to counseling, and Janice joined me a couple of times, but she refused to go back because the counselor upset her. We have two beautiful girls whom we both want to raise -- I think. I still love my wife and want to be her best friend again.
I'm ready to forgive and move on with my life, and I want it to be with my wife. If not, I'll take care of my girls. How can I persuade Janice to return to counseling? We need it. -- TORN IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TORN: You can't. The person who must be willing to admit that counseling is needed to save what's left of your marriage is your wife. Until the subject of her infidelity can be put to bed -- no pun intended -- it will remain the elephant in the living room and nothing will heal your relationship.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)