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COPYRIGHT 1998 MICKEY GUISEWITE
"Where should I put the 24-pack of canned pumpkin?" my husband called to me.
"Third shelf in the pantry," I replied.
"Can't. It's loaded with a flat of salad dressing."
"Then try the kitchen cupboard over the sink."
"Can't. It's filled top to bottom with canned cream of mushroom soup."
"How about the hall closet?" I asked.
"Can't. It's packed floor to ceiling with toilet paper."
"What about the linen closet?"
"Great idea!" he exclaimed. "If we take out the rest of the sheets I might be able to squeeze them in next to the crate of legal-size envelopes."
If some of us are starting to feel a little cramped in our homes, it's not because of our growing families. It's because of our growing need to buy in bulk.
I no longer live in a house. I live in a warehouse of jumbo-size food and toiletry items, cleaning supplies, paper goods and office supplies.
Where once sat a demure little bar of extra soap in the cupboard under my bathroom sink is now a 24-bar savings pack the size of a small desk.
Where once stood a dainty little ketchup bottle now looms a container that not only requires a strong adult to hoist it onto our kitchen table, but that won't fit in the refrigerator unless I remove a shelf.
Did I mention there are three of us in my home? We currently have enough soda pop for a village of 700 and enough fabric softener to keep our clothes soft and fluffy until the year 2020.
Heaven forbid the bulk shopper happens to buy the wrong item. I recently purchased a 263-ounce vat of what I thought was my normal laundry detergent, but it turned out to be a detergent with a hideous floral scent that made all of our clothing smell like bathroom freshener.
I can't take it back because it's been used. I can't throw it out because there are 262 ounces left. I can't give it to a friend because I don't want anyone else's clothes to smell like bathroom freshener.
And so there the smelly, rejected detergent sits, taking up the portion of the laundry room in which I had hoped to store all of our reams of surplus fax paper, extra printer cartridges and giant rolls of packing tape.
How can we help but want to buy in bulk? Bulk means savings. Bulk means that no matter what happens, we'll not only have what we need, but we'll have extra. In an ever-changing, ever-fluctuating, unpredictable world, bulk fills us with a deep, unparalleled sense of security.
The stock market may go up and down, but I have a hall closet full of tomato paste that will last forever.
(Write to Mickey Guisewite in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to mguisewite@aol.com.)
