DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have heard of these women who get to be the friend. I am never the friend.I’d like to be the friend. What are some traits of the “friend?”
I am smaller at 100 pounds and height around 5ft.
Do I need to buy a game computer or a cool ping pong table or learn football and speak sports? Should I start with speaking sports and not being “meek and mild?”
I guess living with my parents does not help. Still I thought maybe I’d get invited to a game place or a dinner out or something.
I admit perhaps I am characteristically a soccer mom / cheerleader and maybe that is boring? I have tried to play video games but I find them boring but I participate.
I did try hiking and got myself into too big of a hike situation and I need to keep that to a minimum. But the men I meet want 20 mile hikers not a day hiker or 6 miles.
I feel like the men I meet are all too much for me and I don’t know how to find the guy who only walks maybe 6 miles or reads at home and is happy with that.
I went out and got golf clubs and tried a driving range by myself. But I did not get invited to golf.
I grew up skiing so I know how but no black diamonds for me.
Some days it’s like I wonder geesh I have to be like a man and a woman? They expect me to have an equally paying job and be great at games and then cook and clean? Or do they want to cook and clean these days?
I guess I have 1 man in mind who has a good paying job and a house but he is not interested in me so? It seemed perfect to me, I’d move in.
He golfs and skis and he kind of knows people I know (well that my father knows) and we both went to College and sort of studied the same and he lives close by. He watches tv and does not have a gaming thing. I thought actually that he might become “the friend” but he went for a kiss then did not want a relationship. So then not a friend?
But You Say She’s Just A Friend
DEAR BUT YOU SAY SHE’S JUST A FRIEND: As a general rule, BYSSJAF, when women talk about only being “the friend”, they’re complaining that guys aren’t interested in them romantically or sexually. There’s no “traits” of “the friend”, so much as “guys aren’t attracted to them sexually or romantically” which – in their case – is a bug, not a feature.
Now if I’m reading this correctly, it sounds to me like you’re having the platonic equivalent of someone on the dating scene who keeps meeting men she has nothing in common with. Which, to be fair, is a real problem; compatibility isn’t just for romance, it’s for friendship too. And, like the women who keep meeting guys they have nothing in common with, you have two choices: you can try to force yourself to be something you’re not, or you can try to meet the people who like the things you do. If you’re not someone who’s interested in sports or video games and don’t want to try to force yourself into that mold… well, then the answer is to focus on the things that you like.
And if you want to meet the people who are into the things you are… well, you gotta go where those people hang out. If you like skiing or golf or tennis, then you’re in luck; there’re lots of groups out there specifically to bring like-minded folks together. You can start by looking for interest groups in your area; Facebook may be a blasted hellscape, but that’s going to be one of the quickest and easiest ways to find people in your area who have similar interests. Doing a search for groups focused on making new friends and hitting the slopes is the first step. You can also check your local alt-weekly paper (assuming you still have one), investigate the bulletin boards at various coffeeshops and cafes or poke in the subreddit for your city and see what you find. A lot of finding your potential friend group is going to entail being a little proactive and seeking them out.
You might also try the apps; there are apps that are more platonically oriented, like BumbleBFF. MeetUp, likewise, is designed for folks like you.
Now a big part of it is making sure that you’re hanging with the right people and in the right places. Just because a group is dedicated to getting together to go skiing or playing golf doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to be what you’re looking for. You want to make sure that it’s a group that’s the right fit and has the right general attitude.
Take hiking, for example. Yeah, there’re lots of folks who are going to want to go on all-day excursions, not a nice 5 mile ramble… so part of what you want is to find the people who – like you – are in more of a rambling mindset. The same with skiing; you’re not an extreme skier and you’re not someone who wants to hit the black slopes, so look for people who are a little more restrained, a little more cautious and more inclined to a nice downhill glide instead of a steep field of moguls and hiking for the best untouched powder. You may even want to bankshot things a little and look for cross-country skiers or even folks who like to go snow-shoeing.
But when you’re putting yourself out there, you want to make sure that you’re asking for what you want and that you’re clear about what your limits are. Someone who is looking for a husband and kids and the white picket fence does best when she makes that clear up front. The same goes with finding friends; if you’re more about hitting some balls at the driving range and not 18 holes at the buttcrack of dawn, say so. The folks who are looking for someone like you can’t find you if you don’t make it clear that you’re out there.
The other thing is that if you’re going to be putting yourself in the places where like-minded folks will hang out, you’re going to have to make a point of taking some initiative. If you’re just silently hitting balls at the range, not many people are going to go out of their way to chat you up… and the ones who do are likely not looking for friends. You’re going to have to be willing to strike up conversations with people and make it clear that you’re looking for activity buddies, not a boyfriend.
Now the last thing I’ll say is that most friendships start from weak ties. The people you know enough to nod at or who you’ve met once or twice at the clubhouse or in line at the lifts are a good starting point. Friendships are built over time. Starting out with a “see you here next week?” is as good a start to building a friendship as any – and less likely to think you’re looking for more if you ask them on a friend-date.
Good luck.
Bottom of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
�
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com